not all who wander are lost

not all who wander are lost

Tuesday, April 06, 2010

Waiting

Everyone does it differently and depending on what is in the balance, the same person might do it differently from one time to the next. Irritation and stamping of feet? Clutching hair and gritting teeth? Pacing back and forth? Creative cursing? Digging in the dirt? Sitting in lotus? Perhaps walking with hands outstretched and heart full 'a trust?

In my case in the past few days, I've toyed with all of those. Try as I might to rest in those last two, I'm by no means centered enough lately to be there all the time. I have my tantrums and freak outs and the even the steaming blowing moments where I utter something to the tune of, "I'm going f*ing crazy!" Rare form for me. A few weeks ago, when we started working with the census, I let my normal routine of yoga and meditation go by the wayside. I haven't jogged in a few weeks either. I still have some quiet time in the morning, and do my readings, and the fruits of that, I try to share here everyday. But there is a lot I am NOT doing that I normally do that keep my body and mind and spirit centered and flexible and OPEN. Not doing them is really messing with my vibe the past few days.

"The next thing" is in the balance. Not just job but how life will be... And we have to wait, again, for two more weeks with no indications which way the wind might blow in this particular instance. And what is crazy making about it all is how much I want it. And it's not guaranteed to be mine.

Trust in the perfect unfolding, I say to myself.
It is already written, says my wise Hindu sister.
God is in all things, say my elders.

And yet I stamp my feet and pace and clutch at my hair.

Yesterday I was feeling particularly un-peaceful. All I can say is, thank God for the ocean.
It quells me. And thank God for Leo who drove me there yesterday evening. We sat there, and I let some of my crazy be taken by the sound of the waves. It never stops. The ocean, its movement. Like unconditional love, it just happens no matter what. There is something powerful about that.

And mornings, I'm thankful for those too because it is a new day and I have the opportunity to do some yoga, and meditation, and THEN begin carrying out the duties of the day...

To wait with poise and faith....that's what I strive for. Sometimes I'm so far from that. And perhaps that right there is my work.....to get there, and to stay there a little longer each time. Like yoga poses. Like meditation sessions.

The art of waiting. The art of living.

Peace be with you, and also with me today. That's my prayer~

2 comments:

Mama Gast said...

Hang in there Sister. It is soooo hard to let go, and just BE. So hard to find grace and peace when one is uncomfortable. It is scary out here on the edge...but remember, there is a whole bunch of us out there with you. Holding hands and hearts, holding the space in the moment, holding the messy bits. YES yoga, YES meditation, but I also find the occasional beer and hilarious movie help too. ;) As one also waiting, also struggling with it, thank you for your honesty this morning. Big love to you.

Eva Schoon said...

Here is some words of wisdom from one of your favorites to quote-
Maya Angelou said this:

I've learned that no matter what happens, or how bad it seems today, life does go on, and it will be better tomorrow.'

I've learned that you can tell a lot about a person by the way he/she handles these three things: a rainy day, lost luggage, and tangled Christmas tree lights.'

I've learned that regardless of your relationship with your parents, you'll miss them when they're gone from your life.

I've learned that making a 'living' is not the same thing as making a life.

I've learned that life sometimes gives you a second chance.

I've learned that you shouldn't go through life with a catcher's mitt on both hands; you need to be able to throw some things back...

I've learned that whenever I decide something with an open heart, I usually make the right decision.

I've learned that even when I have pains, I don't have to be one.

I've learned that every day you should reach out and touch someone.
People love a warm hug, or just a friendly pat on the back.

I've learned that I still have a lot to learn.

I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.

A Word from one of my favorites - Psalm 91.
Love you, Snoop!