not all who wander are lost

not all who wander are lost

Tuesday, May 18, 2010

Raw reality

Up with the sunrise again this morning and those precious birds. What a day it was yesterday. I got the call at 4pm while on the Ferry from Nantucket back to the mainland. They decided yesterday to offer the job to the other candidate. Last minute decision and it Changes. Everything.

I felt like/feel like I'm dreaming and that I'm going to wake up and it'll be the other scenario....it feels wrong in every way....and yet that's the reality. Walking through that with honesty and rawness and openness. Continuing to live out loud.

My census team was AWESOME about it. I felt the love all around. The men said things like, "Sorry kid" and "Their loss" and the ladies invited me into hugs and said the things you say when things don't go the way you had hoped.

people are Good.

I drove home to Leo and cried my eyes out, off and on throughout the evening. I got calls from my parents and my best friend. Papa B gave me a hug over the phone line. Leo and I had an evening of pure Being and sharing which was exactly what we needed.

I woke up at 5 this morning and felt the slam of reality anew....part of loss. part of reorganizing your Being around a new reality.

And I firmly believe in letting it wash through before going to that "higher place" of rationalization and perspective. That's for later. Right now is for just being. Raw disappointment and confusion and questioning "why why why" of so many details of this whole saga...

This time is also for Receiving. There is loss but there is also a tangible abundance all around. Love vibes, hugs, calls, prayers, fully Present people. I'm so thankful for all of that. "Love one another." How we need each other. How good it is to feel the tribe vibe as we walk along, skipping or stumbling, blossoming or crumbling. Bearing witness to each other every step of the way.

Thank you for walking with me. Thank you for being my tribe.

6 comments:

karen said...

Sara, I'm so sorry about the job. I know you were really excited about it. Thank you for sharing your experience though. I share your perspective on things though. There is a certain sence of the fullness of life, when we experience loss and yet are surrounded by love that sustains us. Despite the sorrow, I wouldn't trade the experience. Carry on brave girl, tomorrow is another day and weeping will come to an end.

della said...

WORDS, well they escape me this morning. I read your words and am amazed at your ability to share your raw feelings with us. I love you and I LOVE the woman that you are. My heart is with you today and the days to come as you absorb and live through this moment in time.

emily said...

Sister,

You were with us on the prayer line this morning. Thank you for your raw honesty.

With you in Spirit and holding guard around your right to be with all this before you zoom out so to speak.

Love this tribe.

Big hug.

Eva Schoon said...

Do you remember the story your Gram told us on the night we buried your dad's ashes? Gram said that while your dad was in Germany they received from him - he told them that while he was sitting in a Catherdal - a verse distinctly came into his mind.
"I will instruct you and teach you in the way you should go. I will counsel you and watch over you." Palsm 32:8

I had never heard that story before -
The next morning, when I opened my devotional book - I read -
"Attentiveness to Me not only for your quiet time, but for all your time. As you look to Me, I show you what to do now and next. When you let Me direct your steps, you are set free to enjoy Me and to find what I have prepared for you this day." Then - at the end ---that verse! Psalm 32:8.
At a time of very deep grief and uncertainty for the future - I felt it was God's special message to me. Today - I pass it on to you - From God to your dad to Gram to me to you...He will instruct you and teach you in the way you should go - He will counsel you and watch over you....
I hold you in my heart and in my prayers. Love you - Snoop :-)

Mama Gast said...

Oh Sara, I am totally bummed out for you. This SUCKS! I know you have to be feeling the sting of not getting the job, but also the loss of the dreamt of lifestyle that would go along with it. Thanks for sharing this in YOUR way - it's not easy. I love ya sister. Sending bus loads of good juju your way. I am trusting in a better opportunity being right around this ugly corner!
BIG LOVE and lots of hugs and kisses!!!

Anonymous said...

:) Vibe"aronious"